Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a US-based therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
